My Life the Last Month

To all my avid readers, I am sorry beyond belief that I have not updated in a month. The time has flown by since my last posts, and I don’t even know where to begin. I’m in the hospital right now starting my fourth round which is three weeks away from the halfway point. YAY, the end is in sight! I will be spending New Year’s Eve in the hospital with my dad and the wonderful nursing staff of MD Anderson. I’m a tiny bit disappointed by this, but you know, the sooner I start the treatments, the sooner I’m done. This is the type of attitude that my doctor—The Queen—likes, she likes fighters. Now don’t be fooled, I may appear to be this ultra positive girl (which at the moment I am), but up until two days ago I was really struggling. My dad and I were calling me “the Grinch” because I was just...let’s just say I wasn’t the most pleasant person to be around. I think the past month has been the hardest yet and the past week and a half the hardest of all, and I haven’t been able to write a blog entry because I was so down and didn’t feel capable of putting my feelings into words. For that I’m sorry, but in hindsight, I think I can tell you now what was going on. I was struggling with my life and what it has become—never ending of in and out of the hospital, lots and lots of needles, days where I can’t talk coherently with people because my mind is not 100% there, days when I can’t eat anything but crackers, times when I have to lay down all day because I feel faint, days when my hands shake and I can’t hold things, days when I miss my family, days when I look in the mirror and feel ugly because I lost my hair and the steroids make me puffy, days when I worry that I’m losing all of my friends because I can’t talk to them or see them, times when I feel like I can’t talk to anybody, days when I feel like I’m not even Kendall Kayworth. Worse than that, I was really fighting God. I was just so upset with Him and confused as to why something like this had to happen right now. There are so many whys. Why now God? I was studying abroad, and I wasn’t able to go back for the last two months to travel with my friends in Argentina. I’m only 20 years old. I was supposed to start nursing school in January with two of my best friends, and one was supposed to be my suitemate. I’m living in Houston with my mom (who continues to be the best nurse in the world), and we don’t really know anyone here, although thanks be to God we are meeting people and making friends. It just doesn’t make any sense, and questions and doubts still circulate in my head all the time. What’s changing is that I’m beginning to see part of the bigger picture, and God has answered a few prayers in the past couple days that have really helped me to see that He is here with me in this mess. I know that the next three and a half months will be the same as the last two and half—at least physically, but the difference is that right now, in this moment, I feel an incredible peace about it. Perhaps part of it is the spirit of Christmas, the time spent with my family, feeling well physically, and my two answered prayers. However, I know that the main reason is because God is working in me, and he’s slowly revealing himself while chipping away at all my fears and doubts. I know this may sound a little crazy to some people, but I truly believe this, enough to base my whole life on it.
Now that you know what’s been going on with me emotionally (sorry for letting it all out), I think I should catch you up on what I’ve been up to the past month. This could be a long blog.
I am pretty sure where I left off in my last blog was after round two of chemo, and I had just spent Thanksgiving with my two friends and my family at the lake. After my two friends went back home to Colorado, I stayed in Houston with my mom for almost all of round three, we went home to Waco around December 22nd. Round three was not good physically or emotionally, and I am just going to leave it at that. I spent a couple blissful days at home recovering, attended my church’s Christmas Eve service and then my entire family packed it up at 9 pm and headed to my grandparents lakehouse. I have a confession to make. I was so excited about Christmas that I woke up four different times, once at 3 a.m., again at 6 a.m., then 7 a.m., and then finally at 9 a.m. I jumped on my little sister (who usually sleeps in until like 12 pm—what a waste of a day, but I guess I used to do that as well) and made her wake up with me. I was just like a little kid on Christmas morning, and Kolby (my little sister) laughed at me because I was so giddy. What’s wrong with this picture, the 20 year old waking up the 12 year old on Christmas morning? I then woke up my dad—I told you I was excited. Everyone else of course was already up, so we ate breakfast, drank coffee and hot chocolate, and opened presents all simultaneously for almost three hours. It was awesome, and I’m not exaggerating. For those of you who know me well, you know that I am “directionally challenged.” Ironically, my gift from my parents was a GPS system. Yay! I will never be lost again! I think it will come in handy when I go to nursing school in Dallas next August, and I know it will come in handy while I’m living in Houston because this city is ridiculously large. On the 26th, pretty early in the morning—6 a.m., my sister and brother-in-law flew in from Portland, Oregon. They came to the lake for the next day and a half, and then we went back home (Lorena home, not to be confused with Houston home) for another two days. It was so great to spend time with Kari Ann and Bryan, and I really enjoyed it, even though there wasn’t that much to do. I love my brother and sister, and I love seeing my sister so happy. Then on the evening of the 29th my dad and I came back to Houston. On the 30th, after a 7 a.m. and 10 a.m. appointment and lunch with two friends, I was checked into the hospital around 4 p.m. They started the chemo at 7:30 p.m., and I will probably be in the hospital receiving chemo until the 2nd or 3rd. Kari Ann, Bryan, my mom and Kolby are all coming to Houston on the 1st, but Bryan is headed back to Portland. I’m pretty bummed; I really like my brother-in-law, but Kari Ann is going to stay with me in Houston until the 9th! I guess I have a lot to look forward to because I was also promised a visit from my friend of nine years, the one and only Miss Amanda Reed. (Now you have to come, haha). Beyond that, I am looking forward to my birthday on Sunday, January 18th. God is so good! My 21st birthday falls on the second to last day of round four of chemo, and also Baylor has a holiday on Monday the 19th. I’ll be checked back into the hospital on January 20th. This means that I will a) be able to be home in Lorena for my birthday and b) feel physically great. Although I have a feeling my birthday won’t be the average 21st birthday — aka no alcohol, maybe one if Dr. T says its o.k. — I can’t wait to spend it with my friends at Baylor and my family.
The only other stories I can think to tell are about my answered prayers. So you know I was talking about how the past month has been exceptionally difficult, on the 30th God answered my prayers. I oftentimes find myself feeling alone, and I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about what I’ve been going through. It’s difficult to talk about having cancer and all the emotions involved when I know that people will never quite understand even though they will be sympathetic and encouraging. Cancer is just one of those monumental events in life that can only be understood by those who have personally experienced it. Anyways, I was on my in for my blood tests at 7 a.m. on the 30th, when I saw a woman I met through my ministers wife. She is in remission of ALL (acute lymphoblastic leukemia…I believe) and is in the final part of her treatments. Her name is Jennifer, and she is a wife and mother of three. She went through the same exact treatment as I am, she has the same exact doctor, physician’s assistant and nurse as I do, and she is a Christian. I met her in the hospital during my first round of treatments; she came into my room and introduced herself. We talked for a little, cried a tad, and she told me to call her anytime. I never did call her although the thought did cross my mind multiple times the past month. Thinking back, talking with her probably would have helped a lot. Yesterday morning I met a guy who is my age as well. His name is Ryan, he is a 21 year old student at University of Texas, and he will be coming to MD Anderson every Tuesday. Hopefully, I'll be able to be in contact with him. God is so faithful. Those are my two stories.
I think that about sums it all up for right now. Hope everyone had a great Christmas and will have a Happy New Year! XOXO

P.S. This blog is so long, and I really need to go walk around the hospital because I’m tired of being in my room, so I’m not going to proofread. Sorry if there are lots of spelling and grammar errors.